Recently, my beautiful older sister had a baby shower, I had a cute outfit planned, a pretty peach sheer maxi skirt and white tank top. When I put the outfit on I wanted to die, I LOOKED LIKE THE PREGNANT ONE. After showing my mom the outfit she recommended I change, I quickly ran back into my room and threw on my default outfit, jeggings, tank top and cardigan. I thought I looked alright, I went through the whole baby-shower talking to people, faking my self confidence as per usual. A few days past when suddenly this picture surfaced.
This picture has been haunting me and has made me do a lot of thinking about my history with my body.
Amanda's Body Story-Short and Sweet like a cupcakeWhen I was younger I was a chubby kid, cute but round. I never really felt out of place because I was over weight. I came from a family where if you were hungry but wanted a twinkie, you just ate two twinkies (then hid another under your shirt and ate it in your room) I figured that I looked normal. It wasn't until the 5th grade where I realized that I was bigger then the other kids. A group of boys use to tell me I should start drinking slim fast, they would preform "Fat Amanda needs slim fast" commercials in front of me every recess, picking on me constantly. Looking back as an adult I remember feeling very confused and hurt, that is the first time I remember losing confidence in myself. Going into middle school was difficult for me, I had switched to a new school and my confidence was nonexistent. I use to wear baggy jeans and shirts to school everyday. I didn't know how to do my hair, so I wore it in a slicked back ponytail. I remember feeling invisible. Boys didn't make fun of me because they didn't notice me and I was alright with that. By the time I hit high school, I had chopped all my hair off and my weight at shifted around (if you know what I mean) I did some extreme dieting through out those 4 years, I realize know that it was almost too extreme, not eating for a day or two. After graduation I fell into a deep depression and dated a couple losers who didn't help me feel better about myself. I basically became a ghost. (more details one day in another blog post...maybe) I started gaining weight, a lot of weight. I remember I didn't wear an actual outfit for almost a year, I would always just wear PJ's or leggings. Now, I am 25 and chubbier then I have ever been. I am in the beginning stages of self acceptance, there are days I wake up, struggle to get out of bed and try to avoid the mirror as much as possible, then there are those days where I wake up look at myself butt naked and say, "Hey, you've been through a lot, you survived some really hard times nobody even knows about, so what, you have some rolls and stretchmarks. Amanda means worrier in Latin anyway" (Yes, that quote is from this yesterdays mornings pep talk before I went to work)
I am ready to be the confident person I have always wanted to be, I'm tired of being that little chubby girl feeling invisible. It is time that I finally put on my big girl pants and do something about how I feel. It is up to me to change and I hope that for once, I stick to something.
I hate that picture so much.